Being scared shitless - Krönika

The other day I walked into a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu competition (that I was supposed to compete at, however missed the registration deadline) so I was there solely as a teammate. My intentions were to help corner a few friends, make sure everyone was warmed up and mentally and physically ready for their fights. However, I got to do zero of those things. The story goes as such, my friend, let’s call him Bill, picked me up at 8:30 a.m, he was competing and together we planned on him toppling the Blue Belt heavy weight division. I said to him enthusiastically the game plan I believe would work. Lateral movement. Since Bill weights 260 he was fighting with other 260 and up people. Big people typically have a few things in common. 1. They attack in a forward and backward motion. 2. They suck when you put them on their backs. This is why most heavy guy matches more or less end once one guy gets the other down. The game plan for Bill was simple, when people are pushing and pulling, circle left or right and then push or pull them forward. Since big people at that level only move forward or backwards they normally flop to their back, Bill gets side control he wins! Repeat repeat repeat and we go home laughing! At least that was the envisioned plan. The entire car ride together I had Bill laughing and kept his thoughts on the current state of the economy, vagina, shoes and why planes don’t crash into clouds. My goal was to distract him as much as possible since he wasn’t his normal happy self. Underneath the surface of my friend was tension, or as I like to call it “the fear”. The icky tension that boils up in your stomach and tells you not to leave the house or the bathroom because you might just crap your pants at any moment. Lord how I love/hate that kind of tension. There is really only one kind worse than the “I’m going to get into a fight tension”. And that is the “I’m being cheating on kind.” If you’ve never had that, oh boy! It’s the fun kind. Butterflies in the stomach, feel weak and helpless yet want to punch a Hippopotamus to death. It’s truly the only joy in manhood. I say this with never having experienced “sick child” tension or “divorce tension” as I have zero kids and zero marriages. So, pardon my inexperience/wisdom to avoid those things at all cost.

The entire drive would have sucked, but I made sure to talk of everything but Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, only occasionally would I remind him of the game plan he should employ. Upon walking into the arena I was a bit disturbed that I would only be a spectator, but I was still happy to be amongst friends and teammates (Carlson Gracie Team for those who care or didn’t know) The moment we walked in we ran into a friend and coach of mine. Multi time champion Daniel Wanderley. Instead of him telling me how awesome I am, which is what I normally hope for and have never gotten from him or anyone really, I was asked/told that they need more referee’s. This of course is a position normally reserved for people for Brown Belt’s and above who have completed a referee course. I didn’t meet half of this criteria. (Brown Belt) But I did in fact take the Referee course out of interest just 6 short months ago. I immediately told Daniel that there was no way on Earth I was going to referee a match. When he asked why, I explained that I didn’t want to be the one responsible for not counting a point and having 25 Brazilians I’ve never met screaming at me in a language I don’t understand and more than likely jumping me in the parking lot. Daniel than asked if I would be willing to run the score board. I reminded him of the point I just made. Then out of no where the goddamn head of the IBJFF comes walking over, see’s me, remembers my stupid face from 6 months prior to this day and says, “I need you to run the Gi check.” Since this was directed at Daniel but in reference to me, and I’m a student and friend of his I couldn’t say no. Especially since he is the highest figure in IBJFF outside of Carlos Gracie who runs the whole thing. Before you know it, I’m grabbed by someone I don’t know, getting handed a shirt that says staff and I am checking everyone’s Gi’s with a little wooden thing, and their weight prior to their fight. Bill on the other hand, he was left to deal with the nerves that I had been hiding from him. His face went from “Okay, I’m ready.” suddenly into, “I’d rather be raped by Wallabies’ than be here.” And so while I tore the patches off from Gi’s, told people their pants were to tight and all the other stuff I was instructed to do (paid, I should add. And free lunch. I’m a sucker for free food. It’s the fact that I grew up extremely poor.) Bill paced back and forth, probably pee’ing and going poop about 7 times before his match. As is very common. Don’t know how to explain it, but when your nervous, you always have one in the chamber (rectum) if you know what I mean.

Then Bill disappears. I couldn’t be there to corner him as I was wrapped up in my own staff job and free turkey wrap. So he went out and fought, and you know what, he employed the lateral movement plan, took the guy down and won on points. Then came the problem. Then came the rush that happens when you go from zero to 100. Then came the…. “I need to get the fuck out of here!” As Bill stood on the mat, hand raised he started to cough a little. Nothing big at first. But a few tingles on the back of his throat. Before his next match the Ref asked him if he were ready. He coughed again. Which isn’t exactly an I’m ready. The Ref asked again. Are you ready. Bill responded. I think I’m going to puke. And so he did. He did so with all the dignity that a man puking hopes to get. In a toilet. In a bathroom stall (not completely ruined yet). In an arena. On a Sunday morning. As opposed to, on the mat, in front of a hundred some people and on some guy who would probably vomit right after he was vomited on. Bill did a solid for everyone, and is kinda a hero in this story. His nerves/conditioning got the best of him. And he handled it as best as he could. Unfortunately, throwing up is a disqualification. Having paid $35 dollars to take a Ref course and get a silly certificate that you can easily make at home for FREE! I learned that Saying “Ahh” means tap. Crapping up and or saying, “I have a cramp.” Means Disqualification, and puking your guts out also in fact means. Disqualification. I don’t know if they have anything set up for going number 1 or number 2 in your Gi pants. But I do implore you dear reader’s to explore that option. Let me know what happens. Also, never say “I have a cramp” say “My knee, and then hope the cramp goes away before they find out your lying. As you will still be allowed to fight”

So now I would like to explore what happened. Why it happens and what can be done about it. Nerves (being nervous) is caused by your sympathetic nervous system. It is the flight or fight response that all of us have. The easiest way to understand it, it’s simply a form of adrenaline. Only, unlike the time you watched someone slam dunk a basketball and stood up and yelled “Ohhhhhhhh shiiiiitttttttt!!!!” (if your black, if your white you just clapped) This adrenaline is running through “your” body because of something “your” experiencing. Since it’s something foreign to our everyday lives unless you are James Bond, many of us don’t know how to react to the feelings we have. Using breathing techniques is the most common answer to the problem. Throwing up is also a common answer as many people say it gets the nerves out. Tito Ortiz despite his accomplishments and long career still throws up before every fight. The difference is how we deal with stress that makes us either rise or fall. I can tell you first hand my problem. I am extremely calm. I know this will sound fabulously gay but being an actor has helped me with any and all things in life. And studying martial arts has helped me as an actor. Reason being, I’ve been in a billion sparring sessions where people were relaxed or trying to kill me. Also I’ve been in a real fight or two. Since I go into auditions with that, I tell myself. At least I’m not going to get my ass kicked (again.) And when I go into grappling matches and what not, I remind myself, Well, at least I don’t have to bare my soul and look stupid in front of strangers (again.) Since these two play off each other I have the fantastic ability to remain extremely calm in tense situations. 4 months ago a woman had a seizure next to me and I was cool as a cucumber, I helped the woman while everyone around me panicked and did all the necessary things to ensure she was safe and not doing any harm to herself as we waited for paramedics, then I explained everything to them and helped them document the situation. And then I ate lunch. I of course washed her saliva and snot off me first, but I ate lunch with the same monotone dumb cow eating expression that I always have while eating. It’s not that I’m unbreakable. It’s that I actually enjoy being afraid. And not scary movies afraid. I find life much more interesting when we actually live it. When we get to experience those highs and low’s of being alive. I think everyone reading this should think of the last time their heart rate went out of control and our bodies said, “This is stupid.” And to that I always respond, “Dear heart. The worst that can happen is I die. And that was going to happen anyway, so what’s the problem?”

Nerves are just our bodies way of saying something is new to us. To explain it in scientific (fun) terms it goes like this. Think of a bunch of cars lined up. The rear of the car is called the Dendrite (looks like a tree that fell sideways) and the front of the car is called an Axon (Looks like a birds beak) Starting from the back car an electrical impulse is sent from the dendrite to the front of the car (axon) then it becomes a chemical reaction between the two cars (synaptic cleft) (think…. car exhaust) that chemical reaction his the back of the car in front of it, (Dendrite) and turns into an electrical impulse again and out the front of the car (axon) again repeat this over and over and now you understand how your brain sends a message for your finger to move. (Science is fun huh!) (I should also add, these signals only go forward, Never backwards. Just the way it’s set up. Don’t know why.) What is happening in tense moments is your Cars (Neurons) head towards your adrenal gland and force it to release epinephrine. That (epinephrine) gets released into your blood stream. The epinephrine circulates holy cow fast through your body (not Neuron fast, but second place fast) Hence, you feel the need to poop all a sudden, your pupils dilate, you feel nauseous. You decide to go home. Or, you decide to just go with it. Fight or flight man, and I came here to chew gum and kick some ass, and I’m fresh out of bubble gum.

Again, how do I deal with it. I’m use to it. I’ve auditioned a bunch of times, it never gets better for me, it never gets worse. But it does become a part of experiences I’ve had, so my body can recognize the fear and not be in total shock every show I do, picture I get taken or audition I have. Same as it doesn’t go into total shock every match I grapple or punch that lands on my face. However, there are times when I am out classed, forget my line or go up in a crappy parachute plane, go up 10 feet and immediately crash back into the earth (actually happened) that send my heart racing. But, I take my lumps, I get into an even scarier golf cart with wing’s type plane and I go again. Life is way more fun that way. Beside’s eventually I am going to die no matter how many banana’s I eat or stories I tell. Hopefully I will do things in between that remind me I’m alive in between.
…..I still do hate flying though.

As always, you can email me at [email protected]
Sorry about my picture being up, Mazdak was doing that, not sure why. I thought it was creepy too.

Take care.

Being scared shitless – Krönika

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